Rating: 1 stars out of 5
Starring: John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, Eiza González, Domhnall Gleeson, Stanley Tucci
Where to watch: Apple TV
To watch or not to watch: What a disaster of a movie! Ritchie tried making a National Treasure and ended up with a Travesty
So, Luke (John Krazinski) is an art thief who has just stolen a precious painting from a collector in Thailand. He is on the run on a moped, chased by the goons in heavy SUVs carrying machine guns. Through clever manoeuvres and some witty repartee, he is able to shake off the goons, catch a train and be at peace only to wake up and find Esme (Eiza González) sitting opposite him. She is also there to retrieve the painting for a boss unknown. Since Luke is the hero, and he is witty, pretty good looking and well, because the director said so, he is able to escape Esme and onto London, where he meets his museum curator sister Charlotte (Natalie Portman), who is in the middle of a bitter divorce. Because he is a caring brother who is able to see beyond the length of his nose, and who knows what his sister wants more than the sister herself, he steals a Rembrandt, landing Charlotte in the middle of a losing custody battle. She protests, cries, swears at Luke, that she doesn’t want to be in the middle of this mess, but her actions don’t match it, similar to an alcoholic abusive partner in a relationship. She even drags her 11 year old musical prodigy son to the mix. But Luke is not doing this for himself, oh no, he is the noble one. He is doing this for a billionaire named Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson) who is suffering from liver cancer, and is looking for the fabled Fountain Of Youth which seems to be the only cure. This Fountain is secretive but still known, is difficult to find but hidden in famous paintings, is complex but people can blunder through with drills and hammers. They end up in Egypt, because we all have run out of imagination at this point, where everyone gathers somehow for the culmination.
There is no saving grace for this movie, it has no story, almost zero acting, no cohesion between scenes, or whatever else is required to make a movie even remotely palatable. The adage of “Show Not Tell” doesn’t apply here. Please don’t show and certainly don’t tell us anything, because you are ruining it. There is no flow of information as linear storyline is more fluid than Nolan storytelling, and not for the purpose of storytelling but for the purpose of convenience. They have essentially taken all the famous heist movies, shredded them, put them through a sieve to filter out the reason why they were worth a watch and only retained… hollowness, probably, then add the words “Journey” and “Adventure” like chia seeds throughout, which annoyingly get between the teeth. The embarrassing incident in your life that keeps you awake till 3 AM has nothing on the cringe dialogues. Only Luke had anything remotely interesting to say in the whole film, but since his character is a selfish gaslighter, it does nothing to his credit.
It is a cold day in hell indeed when Natalie Portman is out acted by Krasinski (not by González). Either she was not interested in the movie, or maybe her botox/fillers didn’t allow but man, she was so bad, only seconded by González. Ritchie, we understand your loyalty to the people you work with, but maybe not all relationships fit into our lives the way we want them to. Directing Swept Away should have taught you that. Ritchie has proven himself time and again with Sherlock Holmes, arguably one of the best adaptations, The Gentlemen, etc, and even the opening chase scene of this movie gave hope, but then it just stopped. This is the worst part, when good creators underperform, what hope do we have from anyone else?
For your sanity, please skip this movie, even as a second screen.
To see or not to see 